Here we go again

I need to write.

I need things to be different this time.

I need to approach this differently from every angle this time.

S and I got back together in March. He dumped me again Labor Day weekend.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown a couple weeks ago. Wanted to check myself into a mental hospital because I just didn’t feel okay mentally or emotionally.

I have been attempting to put myself back together over the past month. It’s been hard.

I haven’t felt like doing anything except escaping my own reality by reading insane amounts of books, watching movies I’ve seen a gazillion times and drinking alcohol.

So I am forcing myself to write. I am forcing myself to talk to boys. I am forcing myself to get out of the house and out of my bed. I am forcing myself. Because I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to be hung up on S anymore.

This is my first genuine attempt at moving on from him. We haven’t talked and I have no desire to text him or call him.

That was the last time I will allow him to break my heart.

Woooow

Will have updates tomorrow. Still attempting to piece together the weekend and find an extra set of kidneys. Anyone have the number for the black market?

Friday flip up day

Did I do pilates last night? Check.

Did they kick my ass? Check.

Did I go to a friends house afterwards and immediately consume the calories I burned, back? Check.

Were those calories I consumed mostly alcohol? DUH.

I forgot how much I love a good dirty martini. I was making up for lost time. Of course I couldn’t just have one, like any other normal non –alcoholic human being. Had to have 4 and then proceed to play beer pong. On a Thursday when I have to work the following day.

Got this text from my friend after he saw my facebook status update about Martinis: Do you do anything besides work and drink? My response: I didn’t know there was other stuff to do besides work and drink.

Decided we should probs start taking shots and have a dance party in the living room around 1am. Blacked out at the end of the night from all the shots. Woke up the next morning in the most awkward position, on the worlds smallest couch.

Now I am at work, surprisingly.

Things I have consumed today.

1.) Breaky sammy with egg, cheese and veggie patty from Great Harvest
2.) Nebitts strawberry soda
3.) Diet Dr. Pepper
4.) Chocolate with frosting top pot doughnut
5.) Diet Dr. Pepper
6.) Chips, rice and refried beans
7.) Roasted potatoes, carrots and onions.
8.) Diet Dr. Pepper

In that order.

Day 4 of no contact with S. I need to keep track. It motivates me.



Pump up songs of the moment:

Love Concept- Quarter Century Boy
Miike Snow- Animal (fake blood remix)
El perro del mar- change of heart (rakamonie remix)

Sad sack song of the moment

Grizzly Bear- Boy from school (hot chip cover)

I am officially serious about not having any contact with S. I feel so much more sane when there is zero contact and I could really use a mega break from feeling crazy, srsly. Our biggest downfall is texting. So…

1.) No texting about the dogs.
2.) No texting him about bands I think he would like. He can find bands on his own, duh.
3.) No random, witty texts about things I assume he would think are funny.
4.) No drunk texts (this one surprisingly isn’t usually too hard. I am typically too hammered to even be thinking about my phone)
5.) No texts about things I miss/ appreciate about him
6.) No responding to his texts (if he sends any, which he probably wont)
7.) No phone calls (which is a rarity, so should be fairly easy)

I am going to TRY and avoid going to his facebook page, but right now I just can’t commit fully to that. It’s hard to go from full fledged stalker to zero. I could definitely deal with not going to the ginger girls page that he is dating. Maybe I’ll tackle that one first.

I am going to a lake house up North in a college town near Vancouver BC the first weekend in Feb. and S is supposed to watch the dogs, but I think I am going to try and find someone else to watch them. I don’t know how many options I have because a lot of my friends are coming to the lake house with me, but it’s probably the healthiest thing I could do.

Srsly, it’s been like 8 months since we broke up. Yes, he strung me along for quite some time (up until a couple months ago), but this is just getting ridiculous. My besty scolded me yesterday for it. I feel like I haven’t really made a genuine attempt at moving on. I have always, in the back of my alcohol saturated brain, been hoping for a change of heart on his end. God dang, I STILL kind of am, and those are the thoughts I need to put the kibosh on.

Boy that I’m not very interested in called me last night and asked if I wanted to go to his family house up in the mountains…with him and his flipping DAD. Now, the town is actually pretty bad A. It’s a small faux German town where people drink a lot of beer and get hammered. My kind of town, right? But with his dad? Really? His Christian, Republican dad that is super conservative and hates tattoos and most likely wouldn’t be too impressed with my half sleeve and various others.

I think I also forgot to mention that he lives with his dad. Yes folks. And he is 32. And recently unemployed. I know how to pick the winners.

I told him I wasn’t really down with a Christian family retreat, sorry. Pretty sure his dad would also not find the fact that I am an atheist and black out frequently very cute, either.

Looking forward to tomorrow. Work has been a bear this week. A bunch of people from corporate have been lurking around , and I have had to be on my best behavior, which understandably is a difficult thing for me.

TTFN

Pump up songs of the moment:

The xx- Basic Space
JJ- Masterplan
Discovery- Orange Shirt

Currently not allowing sad sack songs onto my playlist today.

ugh

Spent, tired, sad.

Those are my description words today. I literally don’t think I have any funnies in me today.

S and I got into it over text yesterday. Long story and not even worth going into. It’s always the same things over and over, with him and I.

We both just need to stop talking, period, for awhile. And I need to stop stalking his stupid facebook page, reading all of the comments between him and this stupid ginger (no offense intended towards ALL gingers, just this particular one) skeeza, who is always trying to be super clever and witty in her status updates. Hi, that’s my job, and I am way better at it than YOU, biotch. Anyway, they are obvs dating. They make inside jokes to each other all the time and banter back and forth. Thing is, he dated her briefly prior to us dating. Recycle girls much, loser? It’s just, UGH. It makes my god dang stomach ache. But for some reason I can’t stop myself from checking his page at least every hour. Sick. Sick and wrong.

On to other topics. Hung out with that boy last night and was thoroughly bored. He made me dinner, which was bomb.com. One benefit to quasi dating a chef. He asked to stay the night and I seriously said no, and he kept lingering around until it was like midnight, and finally I was just like fine, stay over, but NO action. He proceeded to grope me until like 3:30am, with me ignoring his advances as much as I could. I eventually had to be like look dude, you are seriously not allowed to touch me anymore, I have to get up in like 3 hours. He eventually listened.

In this particular moment in time, I seriously could go without looking at another male for the rest of my life, I am so annoyed and fed up.

Hopefully I will have a more cheerful post tomorrow. TTFN.

Songs of the moment:

Cocorosie- Tekno Love song
Cursive- The Recluse
Electrelane- Cut and Run

So, my weekend ended up being pretty void of drunken debauchery, surprisingly.

Friday I went over to my exbf and his gf’s house. The ex and I drank beers in his man shed while his gf was getting extensions put in her hair. Yeah, I know. Extensions in the hair weirds me out too, but whatevs. When she got back we watched movies, ate candy and I crashed on their couch.

Saturday I woke up around 5am to a text from S that he sent at about 3:30am. He had been in a bike wreck and had to go to the ER. He lost his memory for an hour or so and broke his cheek bone. If he hadn’t been wearing his helmet, the damage would have been a lot worse. I almost wish he hadn’t sent me a text about it because I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m a notorious worrywart. And why would he even text someone that he despised about it, anyway?

Have I mentioned that I hate boys?

Saturday was spent (still at exbf and current gf’s house) watching the Saints crush the Cardinals, with beer pong and vodka shots sprinkled in. Had a wrestling match with exbf’s gf (of which I don’t recall) and an impromptu dance party in the living room.

The rest of the weekend was spent lounging around exbf and his gf’s house, running errands with his gf, eating, doing pilates, going to the dog park and other non-note worthy things. I didn’t go home until last night. Weird.

It was actually a really great, low key weekend, which I feel like I kind of needed. Exbf and his gf are right up my alley when it comes to that kind of weekend. I really enjoy both their company. And they both slept on the couch with me almost every night (it’s a big, lounge-y couch with plenty of space), so it was like a pajama party with booze pretty much the whole time. And candy. And McDonalds breakfast yesterday morning. And little caesars pizza. I feel like a lump of lard today, but I’ll be healthy the rest of the week to combat that.

I talked to S briefly this morning via text. Asked him how his face was, how he was feeling overall, etc.

Why can’t “out of sight, out of mind” apply to our situation? I swear, the more time that passes, the more I miss him and convince myself he is the cats meow. Distance is definitely making the heart grow fonder and I don’t really know how to get over it. I know texting doesn’t help. I am aware of the no contact rule. It’s just so hard. How can I not be concerned when he was in the god dang emergency room this weekend?

I am hanging out with a boy tonight that I have been seeing a bit here and there for the past couple months. Honestly, he really bores me to the Nth degree. The sex is vanilla, the conversation is vanilla, his sense of humor is vanilla. I mean come on, is it really that appalling that I suggested (as a joke, obvi) that he have a circle jerk with his brother and his dad? He was like SERIOUSLY angry with me for that one. What a snoozefest.

Updates on how it went tomorrow.

Pump up songs of the moment:

Class Actress-Careful what you say
Chairlift- Evident utensil
Datarock- Fa fa fa

Sad sock songs of the moment:

Band of horses- I go to the barn because I like the
The entire Sigur Ros ( ) untitled album.

I'm back!

I clearly wasn’t aware how much the last sentence of my last post (in freaking September, geez louise) would ring true.

The last few months between September and now have been…almost debilitating. To the point where I couldn’t even bear the idea of putting my thoughts into words and posting them on my bloggy blog. I am currently scooping up the remains of my shattered heart and attempting to piece them back together. It’s a slow process with lots of ebbs and flows.

I really can’t get into the whole S situation because, well, I don’t want to. I don’t have it in me. There will be future posts about him I’m sure. Basically, we had a bad falling out and are no longer on civil terms. It was his choice, and was probably a good one, in retrospect. Because I would have just kept going along with whatever he offered me for lord knows how long. It’s been close to 2 months since I have seen him. And that’s that, for now.

In other news, there have been a few boys in between the whole mess of S and now. Nothing promising, nothing substantial, but god dang if a little boy attention every now and again doesn’t make for a good filler, no?

I’m at the stage now though, where I compare all traits that other boys have to that of S’s traits. It’s bad news bears. I hate that shit. I STILL have S on such a pedestal that I am disillusioned and think I will never find anyone as amazing and funny as him. Which if I sit back and actually think about it logically, I know those just aren’t the facts.

What other news do I have to share? It’s hard to catch up on 4 missing months.

I have been keeping the whole drinking copious amounts of alcohol thing real as possible. After NYE weekend (which was spent at a lake house up near where the Twilight characters fictitiously live…and what I wouldn’t give to take advantage of Taylor Lautner in the deep, dark woods) my liver and stomach and butt all wanted to disown me. I literally drank nonstop for 4 days straight and shoved practically every food known to man into my face. I didn’t think it possible for a butt to double in size in a 4 day period, but alas, it can. Be careful.

After that I’ve been toning things down a little. Last weekend only consisted of these things.

1.) Not eating at all Friday (oopsies, obvs trying to fast my butt back to it’s previous size)

2.) Meeting a guy friend, exbf and his gf at around 7pm for vodkas.

3.) Taking 4 shots and having 3 beers before 9pm.

4.) Going to next bar and immediately giving a curtsy to blackout island. Hello friend, pleasure to see you again.

5.) Making our way to dance club (don’t recall this), having my friend E buy me a drink, he asks me to dance, and instead I just make a beeline for the door and take off…? Yeah, I know, brills.

6.) Wandering the streets of popular Seattle neighborhood trying to find my car. Good idea, Betty, instead of sailing on a boat to blackout island, why not just DRIVE drunk there. (p.s. I NEVER drive drunk)

7.) Was convinced I lost my keys (found them in my pocket the next morning)

8.) Immediately started drunk dialing a whole slew of people, including, but never limited to S.

9.) Finally get ahold of guy friend that I was initially with. Pass out on his cold leather couch with no blanket while he goes and does blow with my roommate. (Bear in mind, I remember none of this)

10.) Woke up at 7am not knowing where the hell I was. Creep around the apartment trying to find clues. Finally realize where I am.

11.) Call friend and tell him to get back to his house so we can drink beer. He returns and we drink beer and make out all day. The end. Keepin’ it classy with a capital C!

More to come, friends, more to come. This weekend has drunk written all over it.

pump up songs of the moment:
Vampire Weekend- Cousins
Glass Candy- Beatific
Memory Tapes- Stop Talking

Currently not allowing myself to listen to sad sack songs.