Ouch

I tried to post about my weekend in Portland yesterday, because it was genuinely SUCH a good time. Had by all. But I was too bummed and crushed and heart broken.

Sunday when I got back I picked S and my dogs up from an art show he was doing live painting at (and trying to sell some paintings he has had sitting around for awhile).

I brought him his favorite fast food that I intentionally went out of my way to get because the closest one is like 30 miles from where we live.

And he just seemed hostile. And angry. And annoyed by me. For no reason.

I cry and tell him I don’t understand why he is being the way he is being. He says I am reading into things and blah blah blah.

Eventually we get to my house and we are lying on the bed and I tell him I love him. Genuinely. And he says “K”. So I ask him “do you love me?” and he says “I love you. I care about you. I just don’t know that I’m IN love with you.”

Ouch. Pretty much the worst thing someone can say to you.

I sit up and stare at the blank tv screen for about a half hour while he repeatedly says “im sorry, im sorry, im sorry,” while stroking my back and holding my hand and crying. He then proceeds to tell me that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hang out with me/ see me anymore.

Wait, what? What is the point of me trying to make this work if you aren’t in love with me? In case you haven’t noticed, I AM in love with you, dip shit.

So now I’m just…spent.

I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m tired of thinking about him. I am tired of feeling so happy with everything in my life except for my situation with him. I am tired of putting his happiness over my own. I am tired of revolving around his schedule and what he wants. I am tired of him making me feel like a huge pile of worthless shit. I am tired of him blaming me for everything, all the time.

I just don’t need this shit. I deserve so much better. I at LEAST deserve someone that wants to see me and feels excited about me and could potentially fall in love with me and be in love with me at some point. I am wasting my time. He is wasting my time. I’m F’ing almost 30 years old. I would like to get married at some point.

How do I always end up here? Why am I always the girl that allows her ex boyfriend to use her until she doesn’t have a purpose anymore for him?

I haven’t talked to him since. I honestly don’t have any plans to contact him at all. I can’t say I won’t answer or respond if he texts or calls me. I WANT to say I won’t, but then I might just be lying to myself and I don’t want to do that. But I’m not going to initiate any contact.

I feel so numb.